The Astros are once again going to the World Series, this time against the Philadelphia Phillies. While that alone should pin every Houstonian against the city of Philadelphia, we’re going to add a few more reasons just for good measure. Plus, it might be good to have in your back pocket if you find yourself speaking with a Phillies fan.
1. Poor Man’s Boston
Despite its central role in US history no one ever considers actually visiting Philadelphia. Not since the Declaration of Independence was signed has the city shown any glimmer of potential. In fact, it was once the capital of the United States until the Founding Fathers came to their senses and packed their bags for DC. Nowadays, one suspects that its only tourists are either passing through, outside sports fans rooting against Philly teams, or fans of the Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia TV show paying homage to what few places are actually shot in the city.
2. Philly Cheesesteak And Other Philadelphia Foods
The city’s most recognized dish is a hoagie filled with fried onions and cheese whiz. If that weren’t bad enough, the city’s only other claim to culinary fame is the Philadelphia Roll – by far the worst option on any given sushi menu. Yes, we’ve all ordered a Philadelphia Roll before. But it’s also true that we’ve all only done so to save a few dollars, always regretful, always then to be filled with despair and envy of every one else at the table for ordering sushi of merit. Remember, it’s cheap for a reason.
3. Philly Hates Santa Claus
Perhaps because the city hadn’t received, nor deserved, anything but coal since its inception, fans took hostile action toward Santa Claus on one December day in 1968. During a halftime show against the Minnesota Vikings at Franklin Field, Philadelphians not only booed Santa Claus but pelted him with snowballs.
4. City Famously Roasted By Bill Burr To Their Faces
“Rocky is your hero: the whole pride of your city is built around a f***ing guy who doesn’t even exist.”
If you aren’t one of the 8 million to have viewed Bill Burr’s famously scathing takedown of Philadelphia on Youtube, we advise you to do so now. The legendary incident took place at a comedy festival after the unruly Philly audience booed off a comic ahead of Burr. Burr, who was relatively unknown at the time, decided to do away with his planned set and instead used his time to verbally annihilate the city and everything it stood for… to its face! By the end of the 15-minute verbal assault, the Philly crowd actually cheered for him.
Despite being some half-cocked offspring between a chicken and a muppet, the Phanatic seems to remain in relative good stead with audiences. Fair enough. We’d like to hear an explanation, however, for Gritty. You’ve seen it, the real life cartoon pile of trash that skates around on behalf of the Philadelphia Flyers – the mangled, charmless Oscar the Grouch rip-off that pops up in your kids nightmares every so often – the one that if it did appear in Sesame Street, would be as the role of a drug dealer/user in a PSA warning children against the dangers of methamphetamine. Suffice to say this: Gritty is the GG Allin of sports mascots. If you don’t know who GG Allin is, Google with caution.
6. Philly Sports Fans Are Infamously Awful
After years of study, and the collection of mountains of evidence, experts have yet to discern what it is about Philly sports fans that makes them so bonkers. The fact, however, remains that they are one of the most detestable fan bases in all of sports. See for instance how the stadium once had to create a makeshift jail, or the time when fans booed Donovan McNabb in the draft – McNabb, the same who would go on to be one of the most accomplished quarterbacks in (Philadelphia) history. Other incidents involve a fan intentionally hurling on a child, fellow fans fighting during a World Series celebration – City of Brotherly Love, eh? – and fans cheering for injured players.
7. It’s Dirty
On one hand, this fact does account for Gritty as well as its Philly Cheesesteak fanaticism. In 2020, Forbes ranked Philadelphia as the dirtiest city in America which took into account its score of zero – the lowest possible score – for restaurant cleanliness.